-- September 29, 2023 ---
And now for another drastic shift in tone!
I don't even know how to say it really. I never know how to do or say anything lmao. I wanted to be honest with the doctors and therapists this time but I think I just don't know how to be honest. Everything with them is an evaluation, how is your depression this week, do you feel Very Suicidal or only Moderately? Insomnia half the week or only occasionally?
It's baffling. It was easy to evaluate my feelings at first but I have to answer these exact same questionnaires every other week and all of my feelings and experiences blend together into a gray sludge until they're impossible to separate out. Especially since I have memory problems and emotional numbness, because of the major depression lmao. I feel like I'm failing an exam about my own life. And I feel the pressure to keep things in a continuous narrative, like I'll be quizzed on my answers in my appointment my next week. I know they already think so little of me.
I'm just so tired of cycling endlessly through antidepressants. I want to try something else, literally anything else.