I live! And so much has happened since I last wrote.
The good news is that I found a therapist and a psychiatrist to help me :) and I think the talk therapy is really improving things. Unfortunately, I've had several bad reactions to psychiatric meds I've been prescribed this year, but I'm not giving up on it yet. Hopefully something will click soon.
But yeah, I'm glad to have something positive to share :)
And now for another drastic shift in tone!
I don't even know how to say it really. I never know how to do or say anything lmao. I wanted to be honest with the doctors and therapists this time but I think I just don't know how to be honest. Everything with them is an evaluation, how is your depression this week, do you feel Very Suicidal or only Moderately? Insomnia half the week or only occasionally?
It's baffling. It was easy to evaluate my feelings at first but I have to answer these exact same questionnaires every other week and all of my feelings and experiences blend together into a gray sludge until they're impossible to separate out. Especially since I have memory problems and emotional numbness, because of the major depression lmao. I feel like I'm failing an exam about my own life. And I feel the pressure to keep things in a continuous narrative, like I'll be quizzed on my answers in my appointment my next week. I know they already think so little of me.
I'm just so tired of cycling endlessly through antidepressants. I want to try something else, literally anything else.
Back on Neopets baybee!!! I have less of a clue now than ever before but I'm having fun!!!
Saw someone on here say a while ago that before you make a website, you should consider if you have anything worth putting on the internet. Couldn't agree less. Make your ugly-ass website with nothing on it who cares about entertaining strangers!! I make my site for the random websurfer who stumbles upon it 10+ years from now on some digital archive and no one else!!
Had a terrible fight with my mother and haven't spoken to her all day afterwards. Feeling awful, and torn. Hate the way she talks to customer service people, and it hurts me personally because I had to go home crying so many times because of customers just like her. It isn't just an ~ideological~ thing like she thinks it is, it feels like she's looking down her nose at people like me every time. And so what if it were ideological anyway? She's yelling and taking out all her feelings on people who have no power and she doesn't care. But I also know she'll never change, and so all fighting with her does is make her cry. And that sucks. So. Is it really worth it just to be right. It doesn't feel worth it.
So my doctor switched me to a new antidepressant a few weeks ago and I don't want to jinx anything but I've been feeling a little better lately ^.^ I cleaned my bedroom and kitchen for the first time in months, and even that small change is such a relief. Obviously I've felt more like indulging in my hobbies too, since I'm in the process of remaking this entire website lmaooo. Should I make a page for my IRL projects? Like my knitting and stuff? I feel like I have so many planned pages already...
Pri(de Mon)th-- my power grows. Happy gay day, everyone :::)
cw: discussion of death, major illness, grief, negative experiences with christianity
Something my mother said to me in conversation earlier today has me thinking about my loved ones who have passed away. I've never coped well with grief--it seems like every death hits harder than the one before.
My friend T died very suddenly, from a horrible disease. He requested a Christian funeral (he was very devout). His preacher, while he was giving the eulogy, he said something like this isn't a goodbye, this is just 'see you later'
. In reference, I guess, to the fact that we'll all get to see T later in the afterlife, so we shouldn't be too sad that he's dead now. And that whole attitude was present throughout the entire funeral. People talking about how they went out of their way to wear bright clothes so that they wouldn't look too somber
and how everyone wanted it to be a celebration of his life and not mourning his death
. And maybe that was a great experience for some attendees, but for me? It was suffocating. His body wasn't present, and so the whole event was this eerily sterile, cheery Protestant funeral. I had visited him in the hospital a few days before, and my last precious memories of him--cramped in his tiny hospital bed, too small for him, weaker than I'd ever seen him before--seemed unspeakable, un-shareable.
It was salt in the wound. I knew he was gone. I knew I'd never see him again. I knew I'd wasted enough time in denial--joking around in my last visit with him, so sure I'd have another chance.
They did ask us to share memories at the service, though; they wanted uplifting, happy memories. There were a few I could have shared, could have written down and slipped into their anonymous Memories Box to be paraded out later. I kept everything I had left of him to myself. Sometimes selfishness can be a virtue.
I feel increasingly alienated from... everything, honestly, but from medical workers and their treatments and their ideal outcomes for my recovery specifically. I don't understand anything anyone does. It's never felt like mental illness or dysfunction to me. It feels like even if I had a healthy brain I couldn't imagine coping with the life I'm supposed to have.
My recent ADHD diagnosis has been some explanation for the disconnect; this is just me finally crashing and burning after nearly three decades with no support or compassion. But it's also been emotionally devastating for the same reasons. How many times did I say that I felt like there was 'something else', that my depression was a symptom and not the main cause, that focusing endlessly on my depression would never improve things, and no one listened? I'm so tired of working hard for nothing. People say that time gets faster when you get older but it really, really doesn't. Every minute drags.
I can't get over how much I've learned in just a few weeks on NeoCities. The sheer number of links and tutorials that generous people post here for free is staggering! And W3Schools my love <3
But when it comes to the actual content of my site, I've been struggling with how much I want to share.
I guess part of me is just wondering if this will go anywhere, or if it's another temporary fascination. I'm always trying to recapture the happiness of my past by revisiting old hobbies and interests (the old web, in this case). But lately I've realized that the reason I used to be happier was simply because I had a better quality of life. Indulging in those memories--seeing the contrast between how things used to be and how they are now--it only makes it more painful in hindsight.
The good news is that even if I do end up abandoning this in a few months, I'll still have something tangible to look at later. That's certainly something I like about my other main hobby, knitting. Passion may be fleeting but warm wool socks last forever ^.^
First post. Hello world! Happy National Bat Appreciation Day!